Questions I've been asked (repeatedly): "How could you let yourself get so overweight?" "Don't you understand what you are doing to your body?" "Don't you want to live your life to the fullest?" "Don't you want to be able to do the things normal people do?"
Let me answer these questions for you. By the way, as a side note, I encourage you to ask me anything you want. Comment or reply in the blog. Or on Facebook. Or text me. I don't care. I'm making this a wide open journey for all to follow.
Okay, now let's start. I'll answer each question in a different blog post. Seriously, don't be shy.
1. How could you let yourself get so overweight?
Control. Food is the only thing I felt I had control over. Clearly, I was wrong. I remember taking change from Mom's change jar to buy my "friends" snacks from the vending machine during elementary school. I remember getting my first job, and using that money to buy school lunch...in addition to the one I brought from home. I remember grazing all day every day on who knows what (whatever was convenient at the time). I remember going away to college. I moved to Florida, away from my family (ha! that only lasted six months!). While there, the freshman fifteen probably became more like the freshman fifty (to be fair, I was gone six months instead of the normal three, but still...). My mom had to hand-make clothes for me to wear. I look back on that now and think, no 18 year old should have to wear jumpers...but that is what I could wear. So, wear it I did. I was extremely immobile throughout grade school and high school. I did act as the manager for the girls' volleyball team one year, and I practiced with them, but I never made the team. I was too short, too heavy, couldn't jump high enough. I don't know. I'm sure the rejection and pain I felt in high school led to some serious emotional eating. Once I could drive, and I had a job, it only got worse. I live on the corner of a busy street that has Chinese, Mexican, Tropical Smoothie, McDonald's, Hardee's, Wendy's and a smattering of other food joints right on the corner. So, what stopped me from eating all that? Absolutely nothing. And eat, I did. Whenever I was upset, I ate. When I was happy, I ate. When I was just blah, I ate. I ate from boredom. I did it to have something to do. Before I knew it, I was obese. Then, I had to buy an extra seat when I flew to Kentucky to visit some friends (that, my friends, is a whole other post...and a hilarious one at that). Since then, I've never flown. I had to buy the car I have now (I was looking for a different model) because the seat slid back further than any other models I tried. I had to buy the seatbelt extender. The biggest one. I was a walking time bomb. It did not really seem to matter that I was so unhappy deep down inside. Why? Because food eased all pain. Temporarily. It only scratched the surface and made me feel like I had control. But, I didn't. I don't. I'm learning to have more control, but it is still a struggle -- daily. The only difference is that now I want control. I am taking control.
You are so amazing and such an inspiration. Your story brought tears to my eyes. So many people take for granted the little things in life. After I had my baby, I always made excuses to why I ate so bad and why I could not exercise. I gained all my pregnancy weight and some back after I lost it all. I took things for granted b/c I could. But then I see how hard you are working to better yourself and I say to myself "This journey may be harder for Ashley and she could make excuses, but there she is EVERY DAY taking back control of her body and health, and here I sit making lousy excuses." Although we may have different goals in place, I wanted you to know why you inspired me. I am excited for you and to continue to see you regain back control- and get back to enjoying some of the things we take for granted. - Laurie Greene
ReplyDeleteOh, my goodness, Ashley...this is scary. What you are describing is the same thing that addicts go through, and as you know I'm well versed in that are having watched it second-hand. If I may... I'm going to venture into touchy ground here, but only because I've always believed that we can speak candidly with each other. So here it goes... Do you love food or do you use food? As you know, I'm a chef. I'm neither skinny nor fat. In my chef circles the adage has always been, 'Never trust a skinny chef.' The theory being that a skinny person does not have a passion for food. Well, one day I applied that same adage to obese people too for the very same reason. I was of the opinion that people who are dangerously obese eat to satisfy something other than hunger and truly do not have a passion for food. They use food. They don't really taste the nuances of what they're eating. They eat just to eat and also to fill a void. I came to this conclusion when an attorney I used to work with said he ate bags of candy just because he needed to chew something. When I asked him why he couldn't just chew gum, he simply said it wasn't the same. I suspect it was because he couldn't swallow it and it didn't fill the void. Ashley, what is your opinion based on your experience? Do obese folks simply use food or do they have a passion for food? So very proud of you! What you are doing is amazing. - Aida
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