It has been a good long while since I have felt anything but self-hate and negativity toward myself. I tried not to show it on the outside, always pasting on a smile or a laugh. Remember all those times I had to work late, or already had other plans? Those plans were to internalize so much negativity toward myself that I could barely get out of bed. In truth, I was severely depressed. I was a functional depressed person. I still got up and went to work every day. I still got up and fulfilled my promises I had made to other people. I still laughed and smiled - but those laughs and smiles never quite made it to my soul. I hated myself. I hate myself for being overweight. I hate that I can't be the daughter/sister/aunt/friend I want to be. I'm hate that I never feel adequate enough. I hate that I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate that I feel inferior. I hate that I let people make me feel inferior.
Back in December, I met a friend for lunch after church. In fact, we were not really friends at the time - we barely knew each other outside of saying hello at church and some quick introductory texts throughout the week. Somehow during that lunch, I opened up about my struggles and she recommended that I see a therapist about how I was feeling - I mean what was I going to lose? Of course, I had been told this several times before, but I wasn't ready to deal with those open wounds. The holidays came and went and finally, I called to make an appointment. I scheduled my first appointment for February 19th. I was petrified to make that appointment, but once it was made I felt slightly exhilarated because I knew I had stepped up to the plate to make something count for me. About ten days later, I fell into a really deep depression. You'd have never known it by looking at me, but I knew. I dreaded going to work, going to be with people, and wanted only to hole up in my apartment and sleep. Guys, that is not how I used to be. I began contemplating what I could do to help get me out of my funk. The answer was clear. I had no choice but to move up the appointment. I couldn't have waited another month to see the therapist.
My first appointment, I didn't really know what to expect. I had pre-filled out all of the paperwork and I remember having to force myself to go into the appointment. I did not know what to expect. I felt low for having to go see a therapist - I should be able to handle my own life, right? I mean, I'm a Christian - why am I struggling with this? Anyway, I get inside and they hand me this test to fill out. First of all, I hate tests. And I really hate tests where you have to grade yourself - and of course, this was a test where I had to grade myself as doing something "Always" "Never" Sometimes" "Often" or "Rarely". The first question was about a certain part of my body and whether I liked it or did not like it. Um yeah, no. I don't love my body. In fact, I hate my body. Just about every aspect. Except my eyes. I like my eye color. Anyway, back to the point. I did not really know what to discuss. We went through some biographical information - nothing too heavy for the first session, except that we got into negative self-talk. I was told to cut it out. Easier said than done after thirty years of hating yourself.
I left that first appointment feeling completely drained and like I had been run over by a bus. But, I made an appointment for the next week and am taking it week by week. The second week we discussed how logically we know something but emotionally we do not believe it. An example of this would be: "Logically, I know that everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, without changing. Emotionally, I don't believe that applies to me." Then, the idea is to write several ideas or general statements about how to start changing your emotional mindset to that aspect. So, for that example, I could say something like, "I can find time to do one thing that makes me happy each day." And slowly, by changing my thought patterns, I will begin to truly believe what I know to be true in my mind.
One of the most impactful things I have learned so far, is that I constantly lived in a place of specific negativity, sometimes without even realizing the impact it was having on me. I made specific statements about myself - "I am fat." "I am not worth investing into." "I cannot please anyone." "I never feel adequate." "I feel like a doormat and that's where I belong." and then I had to turn those specific negatives into generally negative statements. So, instead of "I am fat." I say, "I don't like my body right now." Or, "I feel like a doormat and that's where I belong" changes to "I feel like my boundaries are not respected." You get the idea. THEN, comes the harder part (there's still a hardest part) of making those generally negative statements generally positive statements. So for example, "I am fat," became "I don't like my body right now," which becomes "I showed up and am working hard to meet my goals." See how much more positive that last phrase sounded? It took about a week for that resonate with me, and there was a marked difference in my perspectives when I went back to my next appointment.
I am not naive. I know depression will come in waves, but the difference is that I am working toward really getting to the root of the problem, so that I can try to fix it, and not just put a bandaid on a gushing wound. It's only by dealing with these issues will I be able to really understanding why I am like I am and what I can do to really try and draw myself out of the mire when I get there.
I guess the whole point of this post is to not be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Really and truly, admitting it to yourself is the first hurdle, and then reaching out is the second. Chances are, my friend, you might even soar faster and higher than you ever thought possible.
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