Well, I did it. I called the doctor about the skin surgery. I know I'm not ready for it yet, but I need to get the process started. Apparently, it can be quite lengthy. For the past 10 days, I've been trying to suck it up and call. Many times, I did...then hung up. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think part of it was the fear of rejection. Part of it is the fear of cost (if the insurance won't cover it). Part of it is that I won't know what to do with myself when I'm a normal size. Even though I don't want this fat on me anymore, it's like my security blanket. It's always been there. I've always been behind it. I've never been without it. It's scary to think of what it is truly like out there in the big old world - how many opportunities lay out there just ready to be snatched up.
After this last surgery, I called the surgeon to make the consultation appointment. He told me that I would have to have a letter from my primary care physician, even though the insurance doesn't require it for a consultation. Previously, my doctor had told me I would need to lose another 75 pounds or so before I would be a candidate for the surgery. I haven't lost that amount since January. So, I refused to call him (or I'd call and hang up). I just knew he would reject my request, and without that letter, the plastic surgeon won't see me. Then, to top it all off, I asked the case manager assigned to my health for this year if the insurance company would even consider paying for the surgery or for a portion. Of course, that answer was no. I was dejected when I found out. I don't know what I expected to feel - I knew they would say no. I suppose I was hoping that by some miracle, it would be an easy win for me. I don't know why I expected that. This journey isn't about it being easy. It's about faith. It's about hard work. It's about struggles. It's about accepting failure and trying again - not staying there.
So why am I pushing forward with trying to schedule the surgery even though I'm not where I need to be? Many reasons - (1) The insurance process takes a long time. (2) My "extra skin" is seriously impeding my ability to do other things. (3) This one is purely vain - I want cute clothes! I know my girlfriends will understand that one!
After speaking with the nurse, I just have to sit and wait. For how long, I don't know. I'm just glad that minor step is behind me. After the letter, I have to call and make the actual consult. Now that is going to be tough! Worth it, but tough. Doors are opening - some slower than I'd like - but still opening. I will update after speaking with the doctor's office.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
What a Month!
It has been nearly a month since I posted a blog. Much has happened in that month. I spent some time in the hospital (again), met with the surgeon about skin surgery (brief consultation), started Body Challenge, broke the 300 pound mark, and set new goals for myself.
I ended up with yet another bout of cellulitis on the same leg on which I had my prior surgery in December. This time, I had to spend 5 days in the hospital. The doctors were impressed with the weight loss progress; however, to me, I viewed it as a setback. I was not allowed to leave my room, so my only exercise was walking to the bathroom and back. I about went crazy. So crazy, in fact, that I asked my doctor to please take me on a walking tour of the hospital when he made his rounds (after all, they can't tell the doctor he can't walk his patient, right?!?)! That's a big change for me. I was so uncomfortable with walking, that I used to cringe at the thought of him coming and walking around the floor of the hospital. Now, we take the stairs and do laps!
Just before I went into the hospital this last time, I had my final appointment with the surgeon from the December hospitalization/surgery. While I was there, I had the opportunity to ask about skin removal surgery. I know I am not quite ready for it yet, but I know that it is coming and I know that I will need to be prepared. For something major like that, I felt as though I would need to digest information in small portions. When it is time for the actual consultation, I will have to take someone with me to write down what he says, because I'm not going to have any clue what's going on. :) I can't wait for that day! Anyway, he said that he was not sure if the insurance would cover the procedure, because generally it is something that is cosmetic. Given my medical history, and the 8 hospitalizations in the past 2 years, he thought it likely that insurance would cover some portion of it. Then, he quoted me a very nice price for arms/abdomen surgery. He did not mince words. It is going to be painful. It will be a long recovery process. It will not be pleasant. It is almost enough to deter me from wanting the surgery. Almost. Then, I think back to how unpleasant life was as a heavy person. As someone who couldn't move freely. I don't ever want to go back there. Soon, the skin will become quite a hindrance to me, and will prohibit my movement and ability to exercise at the capacity at which I want.
My goal was to start Body Challenge at 299 pounds. I did not make it. My initial weigh-in for Body Challenge was 310.5. I was so disappointed, but I realized that it didn't matter. I had done my best to get there - there were situations like the hospital that I couldn't avoid. Life happened. So, I resolved that I would get there. That whole first week, I stayed on point with my diet - like, to perfection. I weighed in that Friday night before the second weigh-in at was at 300.5 pounds. I thought, "surely, I'll have it in the morning, because everyone knows you weigh less in the morning..." Ha. Not funny, but I weighed 301 that morning. So, I opted to skip training and bust out some cardio before our first Body Challenge Saturday group workout. Seventy-five minutes, three sweatshirts and tank top later, I weighed in at 300.5 again. Seriously?!? I was sooooo close. I told the trainers I wasn't leaving the gym until I hit 299. Thankfully, after the Body Challenge workout, I weighed in at 299.5. Thankfully. I was hungry, thirsty and tired!
Body Challenge is underway. It's an interesting experience. I'm having to push myself harder and longer than ever before. I'm excited to see where it takes me!
I ended up with yet another bout of cellulitis on the same leg on which I had my prior surgery in December. This time, I had to spend 5 days in the hospital. The doctors were impressed with the weight loss progress; however, to me, I viewed it as a setback. I was not allowed to leave my room, so my only exercise was walking to the bathroom and back. I about went crazy. So crazy, in fact, that I asked my doctor to please take me on a walking tour of the hospital when he made his rounds (after all, they can't tell the doctor he can't walk his patient, right?!?)! That's a big change for me. I was so uncomfortable with walking, that I used to cringe at the thought of him coming and walking around the floor of the hospital. Now, we take the stairs and do laps!
Just before I went into the hospital this last time, I had my final appointment with the surgeon from the December hospitalization/surgery. While I was there, I had the opportunity to ask about skin removal surgery. I know I am not quite ready for it yet, but I know that it is coming and I know that I will need to be prepared. For something major like that, I felt as though I would need to digest information in small portions. When it is time for the actual consultation, I will have to take someone with me to write down what he says, because I'm not going to have any clue what's going on. :) I can't wait for that day! Anyway, he said that he was not sure if the insurance would cover the procedure, because generally it is something that is cosmetic. Given my medical history, and the 8 hospitalizations in the past 2 years, he thought it likely that insurance would cover some portion of it. Then, he quoted me a very nice price for arms/abdomen surgery. He did not mince words. It is going to be painful. It will be a long recovery process. It will not be pleasant. It is almost enough to deter me from wanting the surgery. Almost. Then, I think back to how unpleasant life was as a heavy person. As someone who couldn't move freely. I don't ever want to go back there. Soon, the skin will become quite a hindrance to me, and will prohibit my movement and ability to exercise at the capacity at which I want.
My goal was to start Body Challenge at 299 pounds. I did not make it. My initial weigh-in for Body Challenge was 310.5. I was so disappointed, but I realized that it didn't matter. I had done my best to get there - there were situations like the hospital that I couldn't avoid. Life happened. So, I resolved that I would get there. That whole first week, I stayed on point with my diet - like, to perfection. I weighed in that Friday night before the second weigh-in at was at 300.5 pounds. I thought, "surely, I'll have it in the morning, because everyone knows you weigh less in the morning..." Ha. Not funny, but I weighed 301 that morning. So, I opted to skip training and bust out some cardio before our first Body Challenge Saturday group workout. Seventy-five minutes, three sweatshirts and tank top later, I weighed in at 300.5 again. Seriously?!? I was sooooo close. I told the trainers I wasn't leaving the gym until I hit 299. Thankfully, after the Body Challenge workout, I weighed in at 299.5. Thankfully. I was hungry, thirsty and tired!
Body Challenge is underway. It's an interesting experience. I'm having to push myself harder and longer than ever before. I'm excited to see where it takes me!
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Carb-o-holics Anonymous
I am a carb-o-holic. I feel like I should start this post out by introducing myself, much like one would at one of the anonymous sponsor meetings. I am posting right now, mainly because it is keeping my hands busy...from shoveling food in my mouth. I'm not really hungry, but I have a craving for greasy, cheesy, pizza - with pepperoni and stuffed crust - like you wouldn't believe. I want it so bad I can taste it. I am texting with my accountability partner, and the words just aren't working. I know everything she is going to say. I am contemplating texting Danny, but I hate to bother him on the weekends because that's his only down time. He's told me to before and maybe one day I will listen, but for today, I'm hoping the blogging will work.
Two reasons I feel like I want pizza and that that is the only thing that will satisfy my craving - first, I haven't had it in months and I was supposed to have a cheat meal this weekend (which was all planned out) but the plateau broke so I didn't do it...second, the Body Challenge starts in 11 days so that will be 12 weeks of no pizza (yikes), and third, my family went to Italian for lunch today and had the most delicious looking food...while I ate Subway's healthy choice turkey sub with veggies. The smell of that garlic bread and pizza/pasta has left my mouth watering all afternoon. I am the person that used to eat pizza at least three to four times a week. In the past 9 months, I may have had it 4-5 times.
When that plateau broke yesterday, it was the most liberating feeling. I'm trying to recapture that feeling, because it was worth it - knowing that I had done what I needed to do and didn't veer, despite how frustrated I was getting with the scale. I had an outlook back of "I can do anything I set my mind to..." I was so encouraged and did a kick-butt workout yesterday. How quickly that mindset fades when you're struggling with an addiction/craving that is stronger than you.
The bottom line is that I cannot let this struggle win and beat me. I am stronger than this food. I am stronger than this bondage to food. To those who don't have a food addiction or can easily say no to food, I envy you. I know I am on this journey for a reason, and someday that reason will be made known. Until then, I envy you.
I am trying to focus on my goals and reaching the goals I want to this year. I can overcome the craving. I can overcome this struggle. I cannot give in every time I want something unhealthy. The time has come - that I made the decision to change my life. I made the decision to want a healthy lifestyle instead of pizza and cookies and candy and soda. I want more for me. So, I'm throwing on the gym clothes and heading to the gym to workout. I've just resolved this. Thanks for letting me vent.
Two reasons I feel like I want pizza and that that is the only thing that will satisfy my craving - first, I haven't had it in months and I was supposed to have a cheat meal this weekend (which was all planned out) but the plateau broke so I didn't do it...second, the Body Challenge starts in 11 days so that will be 12 weeks of no pizza (yikes), and third, my family went to Italian for lunch today and had the most delicious looking food...while I ate Subway's healthy choice turkey sub with veggies. The smell of that garlic bread and pizza/pasta has left my mouth watering all afternoon. I am the person that used to eat pizza at least three to four times a week. In the past 9 months, I may have had it 4-5 times.
When that plateau broke yesterday, it was the most liberating feeling. I'm trying to recapture that feeling, because it was worth it - knowing that I had done what I needed to do and didn't veer, despite how frustrated I was getting with the scale. I had an outlook back of "I can do anything I set my mind to..." I was so encouraged and did a kick-butt workout yesterday. How quickly that mindset fades when you're struggling with an addiction/craving that is stronger than you.
The bottom line is that I cannot let this struggle win and beat me. I am stronger than this food. I am stronger than this bondage to food. To those who don't have a food addiction or can easily say no to food, I envy you. I know I am on this journey for a reason, and someday that reason will be made known. Until then, I envy you.
I am trying to focus on my goals and reaching the goals I want to this year. I can overcome the craving. I can overcome this struggle. I cannot give in every time I want something unhealthy. The time has come - that I made the decision to change my life. I made the decision to want a healthy lifestyle instead of pizza and cookies and candy and soda. I want more for me. So, I'm throwing on the gym clothes and heading to the gym to workout. I've just resolved this. Thanks for letting me vent.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Plateaus
Plateaus stink. No one should have to ever go through them. I understand the science behind the plateau (sorta) - that your body says, "I'm comfortable here," but three weeks, really? I have followed my eating plan to a "T" and had not one ounce of weight loss since my last weight loss the first week I came off the December "eat whatever I want" fest (even with my hopeful "shock" to my system - a/k/a breakfast yesterday). My formerly 459 pound body has become comfortable at an overweight 315 pounds. And the scale isn't budging.
So now what do I do? Do I give up or give in because the going got tough? I have been tempted. I'll be honest. It is frustrating to see the scale not budge. BUT...despite that, I can tell a difference even still. The weight may not be changing, but I am confident the inches are. For the first time in my life, I went to a legitimate store (to clarify, it is the "heavy" girl store, NOT the "fat" girl store) and bought new workout clothes. And they fit. And I'm so excited about that. It was so refreshing to feel like I was in workout clothes and not just a grungy t-shirt and sweats. I can't wait to buy more (in a smaller size, of course)! And, my t-shirt that I was self-conscious about last week - not so much this week.
So, for me, it's back to square one. I'm eating my diet plan (still) but I'm cutting out the extras. No fancy schmancy food for me. It's back to five meals a day, three hours apart, and following a carb cycling routine. And....cardio. Lots and lots (and did I mention LOTS) of cardio? Hopefully this will jolt my system or my system will catch up or whatever it needs to do and drop those pounds.
Ultimately, though, I'm still working through these details, but...I am me. I am redefining myself. I am worth this journey. I cannot do it on my own, but I am worth it.
Bottom line.
So now what do I do? Do I give up or give in because the going got tough? I have been tempted. I'll be honest. It is frustrating to see the scale not budge. BUT...despite that, I can tell a difference even still. The weight may not be changing, but I am confident the inches are. For the first time in my life, I went to a legitimate store (to clarify, it is the "heavy" girl store, NOT the "fat" girl store) and bought new workout clothes. And they fit. And I'm so excited about that. It was so refreshing to feel like I was in workout clothes and not just a grungy t-shirt and sweats. I can't wait to buy more (in a smaller size, of course)! And, my t-shirt that I was self-conscious about last week - not so much this week.
So, for me, it's back to square one. I'm eating my diet plan (still) but I'm cutting out the extras. No fancy schmancy food for me. It's back to five meals a day, three hours apart, and following a carb cycling routine. And....cardio. Lots and lots (and did I mention LOTS) of cardio? Hopefully this will jolt my system or my system will catch up or whatever it needs to do and drop those pounds.
Ultimately, though, I'm still working through these details, but...I am me. I am redefining myself. I am worth this journey. I cannot do it on my own, but I am worth it.
Bottom line.
Friday, January 10, 2014
2013: My Year in Review
This post is a little late in coming. Only by 9 days, but who is counting? This past year has certainly been a whirlwind of an adventure. In January, health and fitness was merely a fleeting thought - you know, the typical New Year's Resolution type thought. In February, health and fitness was nowhere on my radar. In March, my life changed.
I don't understand what took me so long to get to the point of wanting to do something about my weight and wanting to truly live for the first time. I do know that all the failed attempts before left an impression of failure on me - and I was afraid to try again. In fact, I was reviewing some of my prior journal entries, and I had written, "This is the last attempt I am going to make at trying to lose weight. I just want to be happy and comfortable. Maybe this will help. If it doesn't, I don't know what else to do." This was the last chance I was giving myself.
Once I started eating healthy foods and exercising, it kind of caught on. For the first two months or so, I did not veer from my eating plan or exercising plan. I did not miss a day at the gym. I saw fantastic results. I was 100% committed. Throughout the year, I've certainly had my ups and downs. I have been on the mountain tops and in the valleys. Circumstances have dictated my choices. Overall, I wouldn't change anything that happened in 2013. It's been a huge learning experience for me.
I am so looking forward to 2014. I am excited to see what challenges are waiting to be overcome. Tapping out the year at a 140 pound weight loss (maintained - I had spiked over 150, but lost that badge when I gained back in December) and a 70.75 inch loss...I'm not sad about that.
I don't understand what took me so long to get to the point of wanting to do something about my weight and wanting to truly live for the first time. I do know that all the failed attempts before left an impression of failure on me - and I was afraid to try again. In fact, I was reviewing some of my prior journal entries, and I had written, "This is the last attempt I am going to make at trying to lose weight. I just want to be happy and comfortable. Maybe this will help. If it doesn't, I don't know what else to do." This was the last chance I was giving myself.
Once I started eating healthy foods and exercising, it kind of caught on. For the first two months or so, I did not veer from my eating plan or exercising plan. I did not miss a day at the gym. I saw fantastic results. I was 100% committed. Throughout the year, I've certainly had my ups and downs. I have been on the mountain tops and in the valleys. Circumstances have dictated my choices. Overall, I wouldn't change anything that happened in 2013. It's been a huge learning experience for me.
I am so looking forward to 2014. I am excited to see what challenges are waiting to be overcome. Tapping out the year at a 140 pound weight loss (maintained - I had spiked over 150, but lost that badge when I gained back in December) and a 70.75 inch loss...I'm not sad about that.
I am ready to see what 2014 has in store for me.
I've signed up for the Body Challenge 7 at my gym. It is going to be intense. If you're just joining in, stay tuned - I'm sure there will be crazy stories and pictures to follow. The challenge starts three (gulp!) weeks from tomorrow. Bring it on!
By the way, special shout out to my friends Cynthia and Nicole who have encouraged me through the last nine months. And a huge heartfelt thanks to my friend and trainer, Danny - without your pushing and insisting that I can do things I don't think I can do, I would still be sitting on the couch eating my way "comfortable." Y'all have saved my life. Thank you.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Refocusing My Priorities.
This post is very hard to write. I am human and I make mistakes. The past few months have been very hard for me. I have not made wise decisions. I have had multiple setbacks. I have used any excuse in the book to veer off the clean eating path. I am struggling. I am throwing this out there because you need to know that although I may sound cheery and upbeat and motivational at times, it is not always like that.
Many of you have commented in person that I have stopped posting the motivational quotes. It's true. I feel as though I have lost my motivation. I don't know why, but I want it back. I emotionally eat. I have lost my motivation. My motivation is not ever-present. I try, but I have bad days, and apparently, bad weeks and months, too. Anyway, the numbers on the scale don't lie. I have lost focus of the immediate goals and started focusing on the big picture. I allowed myself to become focused on competing in Body Challenge (and that's not a bad thing) with my gym, and to not focus on the smaller goals that I need to focus on, such as this meal or that meal. Instead, I focused on dreaming about winning Body Challenge. I need to revamp my focus. Completely.
Throughout the course of my "confession" with Danny, it came to light that my diet hasn't been where it needs to be. If I am honest, it hasn't been for a long time. I don't know why I struggle with food so much. I wish I knew. I wish I could curb it. If I am completely honest, I've fallen back into the habit of fast food. In the past week, I've had Wendy's, Red Robin, Taco Bell and McDonald's. None of it was good. I felt miserable after eating it. Yet, I continue to do it. Why? Do any of you readers struggle with this? I am a "social eater" and "emotional eater." In other words, I may not be hungry, but if a group of friends is going somewhere for lunch, you can bet I will be there. I will go with the intention of eating healthy foods, but inevitably, my willpower loses and I order something I am comfortable ordering.
So, what's the purpose of posting this? To let you know I am human. I make mistakes. I have to re-commit to my eating lifestyle. I've done it before. I can do it again. It's a matter of deciding whether I want to do it. I want this.
No matter what, I am done. Done with the facade. Done with giving in. I have to fight to save my life. I am still planning to compete in Body Challenge 7. I need to step up my game and truly work on fixing my priorities. I have let "me" slip through the cracks. I've let my circumstances and emotions dictate my choices. No more. I am worth this change. I have come so far and too far to turn back now.
I am fighting to win...my life.
Many of you have commented in person that I have stopped posting the motivational quotes. It's true. I feel as though I have lost my motivation. I don't know why, but I want it back. I emotionally eat. I have lost my motivation. My motivation is not ever-present. I try, but I have bad days, and apparently, bad weeks and months, too. Anyway, the numbers on the scale don't lie. I have lost focus of the immediate goals and started focusing on the big picture. I allowed myself to become focused on competing in Body Challenge (and that's not a bad thing) with my gym, and to not focus on the smaller goals that I need to focus on, such as this meal or that meal. Instead, I focused on dreaming about winning Body Challenge. I need to revamp my focus. Completely.
Throughout the course of my "confession" with Danny, it came to light that my diet hasn't been where it needs to be. If I am honest, it hasn't been for a long time. I don't know why I struggle with food so much. I wish I knew. I wish I could curb it. If I am completely honest, I've fallen back into the habit of fast food. In the past week, I've had Wendy's, Red Robin, Taco Bell and McDonald's. None of it was good. I felt miserable after eating it. Yet, I continue to do it. Why? Do any of you readers struggle with this? I am a "social eater" and "emotional eater." In other words, I may not be hungry, but if a group of friends is going somewhere for lunch, you can bet I will be there. I will go with the intention of eating healthy foods, but inevitably, my willpower loses and I order something I am comfortable ordering.
So, what's the purpose of posting this? To let you know I am human. I make mistakes. I have to re-commit to my eating lifestyle. I've done it before. I can do it again. It's a matter of deciding whether I want to do it. I want this.
No matter what, I am done. Done with the facade. Done with giving in. I have to fight to save my life. I am still planning to compete in Body Challenge 7. I need to step up my game and truly work on fixing my priorities. I have let "me" slip through the cracks. I've let my circumstances and emotions dictate my choices. No more. I am worth this change. I have come so far and too far to turn back now.
I am fighting to win...my life.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Contacts, Injuries, Surgeries, Oh My!
It has been nearly a month since I blogged. I have had some serious writer's block, and I've gone through some things this last month that have derailed me a little bit. Since the last post, I have had some pretty good things happen to me as well. I am a very blessed person to have such wonderful friends, family and support systems.
First, I finally got contacts. I've been toying with the idea for years, but my insurance didn't cover it. So, when I hit the 150 pound mark, a friend and fellow work-out buddy who works in an eye doctor's office convinced me to bite the bullet and go for the contact fitting exam. I loved the contacts. I had a hard time getting them out the first night (like 3 hours, don't laugh), but I'm getting quicker. I am down to about 7 minutes - if I don't drop them - which I apparently am prone to doing. I'm getting there - I'm still a long way from wearing them all day every day, but hey, it's going to take an adjustment period.
The day I went for the contact fitting and pick up the trial pair, I ended up in the hospital with yet another bout of cellulitis. This one actually required surgery to remove the infection. So, on Friday, December 6, 2013, I had yet another surgery. Now, I have to go to the doctor every day and get the hole in my leg packed and just be careful to not hit the wound (on my leg just under the knee). I spoke to the doctor today and he said it should only be (hopefully) another 2-3 weeks that I have to do this. That shows me that my health is getting better. The last time I had to do this and have surgery, I went for 6 weeks or more.
I was determined in the hospital to not have a pity party and become depressed. I think I managed a pretty good job of it. This is not to say I didn't have my moments, because I did, but overall, I had a better attitude about it. This time around, I also got up and walked the halls as much as I could and tried to make (fairly) healthy choices on the menu. I ended up losing three pounds in the hospital. Can't ask for more than that!
The day after I was released from the hospital I returned to work. That afternoon, I received a phone call at work from my dad, telling me that my grandfather had lost his battle with cancer. I truly am glad that he is not suffering. I know he is in heaven just watching down over us and encouraging us to keep on keeping on. Needless to say, we had multitudes of people and family in town over this past weekend and the people from my grandma's church were so nice and brought so much food. We are blessed. I will miss my grandpa terribly, but I know he is in a better place and not in pain. I love you, grandpa!
This past Monday, I needed to get back in the gym and work out some frustrations and emotions. I texted Danny and he was nice enough to squeeze me in for a training slot, even though I had previously told him I was done until January. It felt so good to be back. It is now Wednesday, and I am still so sore that I can hardly stand it. It's a great sore. I'm still taking it a little easy on the cardio and anything with legs, but I am hopeful to be back at it soon. I'm nearly to my goal...I've got 6 pounds to go until I hit my goal of being under 300 pounds by Christmas.
Yesterday at the gym, they opened up the list for Body Challenge 7. I am on the list. I'm so excited, yet petrified at the same time. Stay tuned for those posts, because I am certain there will be some crazy things we have to do and some insane workouts.
All in all, it's been quite the roller coaster ride this month. But, I've remained true to my lifestyle change for the most part. I've had my moments where I've eaten off track or eaten too many things (i.e. the donut that I think Danny almost hurt me over) that I shouldn't. I am not where I want to be, but I'm sure not where I used to be.
I can't wait to type up the 2013 year in review blog. It is going to be CRAZY good! Stay tuned, y'all!
First, I finally got contacts. I've been toying with the idea for years, but my insurance didn't cover it. So, when I hit the 150 pound mark, a friend and fellow work-out buddy who works in an eye doctor's office convinced me to bite the bullet and go for the contact fitting exam. I loved the contacts. I had a hard time getting them out the first night (like 3 hours, don't laugh), but I'm getting quicker. I am down to about 7 minutes - if I don't drop them - which I apparently am prone to doing. I'm getting there - I'm still a long way from wearing them all day every day, but hey, it's going to take an adjustment period.
The day I went for the contact fitting and pick up the trial pair, I ended up in the hospital with yet another bout of cellulitis. This one actually required surgery to remove the infection. So, on Friday, December 6, 2013, I had yet another surgery. Now, I have to go to the doctor every day and get the hole in my leg packed and just be careful to not hit the wound (on my leg just under the knee). I spoke to the doctor today and he said it should only be (hopefully) another 2-3 weeks that I have to do this. That shows me that my health is getting better. The last time I had to do this and have surgery, I went for 6 weeks or more.
I was determined in the hospital to not have a pity party and become depressed. I think I managed a pretty good job of it. This is not to say I didn't have my moments, because I did, but overall, I had a better attitude about it. This time around, I also got up and walked the halls as much as I could and tried to make (fairly) healthy choices on the menu. I ended up losing three pounds in the hospital. Can't ask for more than that!
The day after I was released from the hospital I returned to work. That afternoon, I received a phone call at work from my dad, telling me that my grandfather had lost his battle with cancer. I truly am glad that he is not suffering. I know he is in heaven just watching down over us and encouraging us to keep on keeping on. Needless to say, we had multitudes of people and family in town over this past weekend and the people from my grandma's church were so nice and brought so much food. We are blessed. I will miss my grandpa terribly, but I know he is in a better place and not in pain. I love you, grandpa!
This past Monday, I needed to get back in the gym and work out some frustrations and emotions. I texted Danny and he was nice enough to squeeze me in for a training slot, even though I had previously told him I was done until January. It felt so good to be back. It is now Wednesday, and I am still so sore that I can hardly stand it. It's a great sore. I'm still taking it a little easy on the cardio and anything with legs, but I am hopeful to be back at it soon. I'm nearly to my goal...I've got 6 pounds to go until I hit my goal of being under 300 pounds by Christmas.
Yesterday at the gym, they opened up the list for Body Challenge 7. I am on the list. I'm so excited, yet petrified at the same time. Stay tuned for those posts, because I am certain there will be some crazy things we have to do and some insane workouts.
All in all, it's been quite the roller coaster ride this month. But, I've remained true to my lifestyle change for the most part. I've had my moments where I've eaten off track or eaten too many things (i.e. the donut that I think Danny almost hurt me over) that I shouldn't. I am not where I want to be, but I'm sure not where I used to be.
I can't wait to type up the 2013 year in review blog. It is going to be CRAZY good! Stay tuned, y'all!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Success...You Have to Truly Want It
Success defined is the accomplishment of one's goals. What goals have you set that you have accomplished? In order to be successful, you have to push yourself outside your comfort zone. A favorite saying of mine is, "Get comfortable with uncomfortable." I remember when I first started on this journey. I couldn't walk the treadmill for more than a minute without huffing and puffing. It took me forever to try the elliptical. I certainly never thought I would lift weights of any substance (mind you, I'm not a weightlifter by any means, but it ain't too shabby for a girl)!
Fast forward nearly eight months. In eight months, I've gone from one minute on the treadmill to thirty or more. In eight months, I've gone from being scared of the elliptical to 62 minutes as my longest time. I've gone from 10 lb weights to four times that amount and more depending on the exercise.
I remember my diet consisted of three or more fast food meals a day. Now, most of the time I prepare my food a week in advance and eat clean. That's not always the case. I do eat fast food and sometimes I don't eat clean. But my diet is VASTLY different from where it used to be.
When I just don't feel like I have anything else in me to keep going and I have time left on my cardio I tune into Eric Thomas. YouTube it. He is so motivational and the time just flies when I'm listening to him. This morning I was bored with my playlist (to be fair, it is cheesy). So, I tuned in. He said, "the only place success comes before work is in the dictionary." How true that is. If you don't put in the effort, don't be upset by the lack of results. You can't just go to the gym once or twice a week and expect the same results as the person who is there six times a week. It's just not going to happen. You also can't expect to see the same results as a clean eater if you're eating fast food for every meal.
I haven't done a weigh-in post or a measurements post in a long while. I will touch on it briefly. As of today, November 23, 2013, I have shed 147 pounds. I have lost 61.75 inches (for those who don't know, that's taller than me)! The 140's have been hard for me. I couldn't break the barrier for about 3-4 weeks. Most of it was a mental barrier. I also told myself I couldn't jump. Like at all. I don't know what the fear was with jumping...whether it was the fear of falling or what. But today, I did it. And then I did it 39 more times...just to make sure it wasn't a fluke. I wanted success on that goal.
So the bottom line of this post is...HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT? Are you willing to give up everything else to reach your goal? Maybe that means you don't go out with tur friends and you go to the gym instead. Maybe that means that you get up at 5 am because you have no other time. Definitely that means you forgo the things you want now for the results you ultimately want.
Success...what's your goal and how will you reach it?
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Love Somebody
I don't love myself. It's true. I struggle with insecurities, self-worth, and more. I care too much about what people think of me. I don't view myself as important. I define my self-worth externally. I just realized this today. I don't care as much about what people say about me or think about me as I did 138 pounds ago; but the habit of judging myself is still there. This whole conversation came about today when I was talking to a dear friend. She was telling me that if I don't love myself for who I am, then how can I expect anyone else to love me...and how will I ever trust that that is a true love? I never really realized how hard on myself I have been. Instead of being proud of what I have accomplished, instead, I berate and belittle myself for what I can't do. Yet.
For example, instead of being proud of myself that I could run on an incline for a solid minute (a new accomplishment), I berated myself because of the noise my skin makes when flapping when I run. I'm self-conscious about that. Bottom line...it doesn't matter. I'm there at the gym or running to save my life. That is what's important.
This week, Danny spoke some harsh truth to me. It was one of those truths that you hate...especially because you know it is true and that makes you even more mad. Know what I mean? I was whining (yes, whining) about the difficulties I was having making the mental switch from diet to lifestyle (primarily about eating chicken, rice and veggies every single day). It just wasn't clicking...or so I thought. It was, I just didn't want to hear the truth. I had a couple derailments this week. My own choice. So, when Danny told me I was being lazy about my food prep and being prepared in every circumstance, I was angry. The more I thought of it, though, it is true. I have become lazy. Somewhere along the way I developed a mentality that I can eat whatever I want in moderation. What I didn't take into consideration is my lack of self-control. So, needless to say, the laziness just increased. I failed to prep my food ahead of time and as a result, I ate off plan. I stopped logging my food in MyFitnessPal and Anytime Health, so I had no idea the number of calories I was consuming. All I know is that the scale was stagnant and didn't move. At. All.
We did measurements today for the first time in two months today (delayed because of my recent hospital stays). While I lost 7 inches total, most of it in my thighs which I was NOT expecting, my weight was exactly the same as it was 2 months ago. That shouldn't happen. But it did...why? Because I'm lazy about food preparation. The eating part of this lifestyle change just didn't interest me as much. That has to change. Now.
I still worked my butt off at the gym. Mostly. There were a couple nights I just wasn't feeling it. That happens. What I have to do is be careful not to make that a habit and just push through. For any of you just starting a weight loss journey, I have one piece of advice: Don't. Give. Up.
For some reason, I have had this mentality--that I am not deserving of a healthy lifestyle, to feel confident and beautiful, and to be loved...by myself and others. So this week is about learning to love myself for who I am, taking enough pride in that to make the changes, and following through on that determination. If you see me around, ask me how I'm doing...not with my lifestyle change, but with loving myself. The lifestyle change will come with the freedom of loving myself.
Does anyone else out there struggle with this? How do you deal with it? Comment below!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Comfortably Uncomfortable...
What does comfort mean to you? Your favorite pajamas? Being lazy around the house? A cup of your favorite coffee? Go on. Get comfortable. Why? This is the last time I am going to be comfortable for a very long time. Don't get me wrong or hear what I am not saying. Comfort isn't a bad thing. In moderation. Becoming comfortable and staying there is a big problem. Unfortunately, it is a problem that many of us face and sometimes we don't even realize that we are becoming too comfortable. This just happened to me over the past few weeks.
When I initially started on this weight loss journey in April, I was excited. Nothing could deter me. I wasn't going to let it. Nothing kept me from the gym. Nothing made me deter from the diet plan I had chosen. Nothing. I fact, I remember being too scared to miss a day at the gym or eat my first "cheat" meal because I was afraid it would derail my efforts. I literally was afraid to eat the small personal pan pizza because of the possibility of falling off the wagon.
After my first "cheat" meal, I began to allow myself more frequent cheats...I other words, I didn't wait 50 pounds to have something I wanted. Over time, it became that if I wanted it, I would have it. Then, work it off in the gym. What I didn't realize (or, truthfully, maybe I did) is that I was only hurting myself. I was changing my mentality and becoming comfortable. If I'm honest with myself, I allowed my definition of "clean eating" to change. As long as I was going to the gym and burning off all the consumed calories, then I was eating clean. Not true. It just doesn't work that way.
Most already know this, but I hate cardio. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the level of exertion required to move all of this excess weight. Maybe it's because it gets boring and monotonous. Or, as is usually the case, it is because my attitude about doing it stinks. If I would just put on my big girl pants and do it, it'd be over in just 45 minutes. With this, too, I became comfortable. I became comfortable and satisfied with running in 45 second increments. Deep down I still want to run, but...I haven't wanted it bad enough to push myself and train myself to do it for longer. That has to change. I can't become frustrated with not being better at something if I'm not willing to work on it.
Looking back, I have to say that I was comfortable being uncomfortable before this journey. My life was not something that was pleasant...but that was due to my own doing. I was uncomfortable at restaurants when my whole family had to wait for a table to become available because I couldn't fit in a booth. I was uncomfortable when I had to buy two airline tickets just to fit my fat. I was uncomfortable going anywhere with my active nephew for fear he would run off and I wouldn't be able to catch him. I I was comfortable in being that uncomfortable then why can't I be comfortable being uncomfortable on the healthy side of things? Why can't I be comfortable pushing myself to improve my running, lifting, etc.
I am no longer making excuses. I have a job to do and I am going to get it done. There are no shortcuts to success. The word "can't" is being removed from my vocabulary.
They say that the key to weight loss is 30% gym and 70% diet. They also say that losing weight is 90% mental. I believe that whole-heartedly. It is a constant struggle with me. Food is an addiction. It is up to me to make the right decision.
So here is my proposition for you all. Let's do it together. Let's get comfortable being uncomfortable and become the best people we can be. Who's in?
Friday, October 18, 2013
Sabotage
What is it about our nature that makes us want to sabotage our success? Why is it that we are willing to work so hard to achieve a goal, and then turn around and demolish all the hard work we have done for so many months? Personally (and I think it could be different for everyone) I think mine is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being "the big girl" and not having that shield to hide behind. Fear that I will still be rejected. Fear that nothing in my life will have changed from the time I was 459 pounds. I don't know if this fear is normal, but I am thinking everyone who takes a drastic weight loss journey experiences this at some time or another.
This past week, and really since I have been out of the hospital, has been a struggle for me to eat right. I haven't been horrible, but I haven't denied myself anything either. I've been to the gym every single day that I was supposed to go. I have done what I was supposed to do in the exercise world. Not in the healthy eating world. I don't know why that is so hard for me. I think part of it is that I get very bored eating the same thugs repetitively...but that's just an excuse. I've done it before. Somehow over the past couple months I have developed a mentality that it doesn't matter what I eat because (a) I'm at the gym 2-3 hours a day, 6 days a week and (b) I'm still losing weight because I'm staying under my calorie goals. That's not the right mentality to have and I know hat. I need to change it, but I don't know how. Any suggestions? Let me hear from you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)