Sabotage

What is it about our nature that makes us want to sabotage our success? Why is it that we are willing to work so hard to achieve a goal, and then turn around and demolish all the hard work we have done for so many months? Personally (and I think it could be different for everyone) I think mine is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being "the big girl" and not having that shield to hide behind. Fear that I will still be rejected. Fear that nothing in my life will have changed from the time I was 459 pounds. I don't know if this fear is normal, but I am thinking everyone who takes a drastic weight loss journey experiences this at some time or another. 

This past week, and really since I have been out of the hospital, has been a struggle for me to eat right. I haven't been horrible, but I haven't denied myself anything either. I've been to the gym every single day that I was supposed to go. I have done what I was supposed to do in the exercise world. Not in the healthy eating world. I don't know why that is so hard for me. I think part of it is that I get very bored eating the same thugs repetitively...but that's just an excuse. I've done it before. Somehow over the past couple months I have developed a mentality that it doesn't matter what I eat because (a) I'm at the gym 2-3 hours a day, 6 days a week and (b) I'm still losing weight because I'm staying under my calorie goals. That's not the right mentality to have and I know hat. I need to change it, but I don't know how. Any suggestions? Let me hear from you!

A Feeling I Will Never Forget

 When I first started this weight loss journey, one of the things I promised myself is that I would run. Someday. It might not be fast, it might not be pretty, but I would run. Running is something that has never been easy for me, so for me to conquer that would mean that I have made great strides in my journey. So, on a whim of courage one day, I registered for the Susan G. Komen 5K at the oceanfront. Now, to be fair, when I registered, I thought I would have enough time to train and I was going to run the whole 3 miles. Ha. Life got the better of me on that one (for now). First, the surgery with the treadmill fall, then my two cellulitis hospital stays. I lost nearly 6 weeks of training due to those injuries/illnesses. Needless to say, running the whole 5K was not really an option. I don't even know if running the whole 5K was an option back when I made it known that's what I wanted to do, but I was going to give it my best shot. 

So of course, this week it has rained every single day, limiting my outside training time. Take it from me, it is vastly different training on a treadmill than it is on pavement. Pavement hurts more. A lot more. So, I did what I could with the treadmill. And, come Friday night, I was so nervous I couldn't sleep. I was afraid I'd fail, or that I'd let myself down. Or any number of the people that signed up to do the race with me to encourage me. Saturday morning rolled around, and you guessed it, it was raining. At this point, I was praying for just two hours of no rain - running in the rain doesn't sound like fun. We arrived at the oceanfront at 7:40 a.m. and had a hard time finding parking. Luckily, we had a non-runner with us, so he was assigned parking duty so we could find our group. At this point, my stomach was in knots and I think my sister, Sara, and my friend, Cynthia, could tell I was mentally freaking out. Here is the picture of my church group (and Cynthia) before the race: 

Back Row:  Khylla, Ginger, Becca, Sara, Me, Cynthia

Front Row: Clara, Trina

About 10 days before the race, I sweet talked (suckered) my best friend, Becca, into doing the race with me. Below are pictures of before the race:

Me and Becca before the race

Sara, Danny and Me before the race
Monica photo-bombing without realizing it

Cynthia and Me before the race
First time I have ever been able to sport a t-shirt
not bought at a specialty store!

Cynthia told me at one point that it didn't matter how I crossed that finish line - whether it was crawling, crying or being carried, but that I would be crossing that finish line. I admit, I was a little doubtful at some points during the run. My only goal was to finish. I secretly hoped to finish in under an hour, but I didn't let many people, if any, know that ahead of time. That way, again, I couldn't let anyone down. 

There were times I wanted to quit during the race. My leg started bothering me. Then my calves. Then my hips. A couple times, I stopped to stretch some, and some random person would encourage me to keep going and finish it to the end. Danny, my trainer and awesome friend that he is, stayed with me the entire time. Encouraging me and pushing the whole way (sometimes, literally, haha). When it was time for sprints, he'd sprint alongside me (or walk because his stride is way longer than mine) or run ahead to clear a path. I couldn't have asked for better support, between him, Becca and Sara during the run. Thankfully, at around 6 blocks left, Cynthia and her friend came back for me. That gave me the second wind/final boost to finish it out. They were nothing but encouraging. Finally, the finish line was in sight. 

Hallelujah! The end was in sight!

It was a bit anticlimactic - I tried to run across the finish line, but the finish line was bottlenecked, so that wasn't possible. But, that's okay. It was done. Not in under 60 minutes, but nonetheless, it was done. It just gives me a goal to beat for next time: 

Official Time from start to crossing finish line

At the end of the run, I have to admit, I burst into tears. I did not believe in myself at the beginning of the run. I did not believe that I could finish it. I did not believe that I had the fortitude to press on and finish. I had proved to myself, yet again, that I am worth this change and this journey. 

Finally crossed that finish line!

The end of the race. Very emotional because it
signifies this journey that I am on - constantly
overcoming challenges that I don't think are possible.

At the end of the race, they were handing out medals. Unfortunately, the medals were only for breast cancer survivors. I admit, I was a little disappointed by that, but the medal isn't really why I did the run/walk. It was more of a personal commitment, with the added benefit of it being for something worthwhile. 

Needless to say, at some point, I was standing there at the finish line, trying to formulate a thought after gaining my composure, when all of a sudden, I had a medal around my neck. All I know is that Danny somehow secured a medal for me. I burst into tears again. 

Danny putting the medal around my neck - I had no clue
until it was there!

As you can see, I'm about to burst into tears again.

Becca and me celebrating the race is over.

Kyle and me after the race is over (he was our non-runner/car parker/cheerleader).

So, now that the race is complete, what's next? Well, I'm already looking for another 5K so that I can beat my time. I wouldn't say I've been bitten by the running bug - I don't love it that much, yet, but I can say with certainty that there will be more 5K's in my future. I've already downloaded the Gateway to 8K program so that I can start training for that as I want to run (yes, run) the Shamrock 8K in March 2014 if my schedule permits. I don't have any desire to do more than an 8K. Maybe that will change once I've done the 8K, who knows? That feeling of pride and accomplishment that I had finished something I set out to do was like nothing I have ever felt before. This was a huge obstacle for me, and to be able to overcome it and know that I did my absolute best was the best feeling ever.

To all who have encouraged me, pushed me and lifted me up in this journey, thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.