When I first started this blog, I promised to share the good and the bad. Today, unfortunately, I must make a "confession." For me, this month is "No-Weigh May." Why? I become addicted to the scale. Emotionally. And when it doesn't move like I want, I spiral out of control emotionally. As we all know, I'm an emotional eater...so, you can imagine how this cycle doesn't work well for me. Okay, back to the story. I weighed in on Saturday (I only weigh on training days during no-weigh May) and was up five pounds. I was crushed. I tried to brush it off as best I could, but it still bothered me. I ate perfectly last week, staying within my calorie count and working out with a renewed intensity, even including the dreaded StairMaster into my routine. Anyway, I'm not going to make excuses about why I did this or that. I'm just going to own it.
I went off the reservation this weekend. Initially, I told Danny I hadn't been all that bad, besides the Skinny Dip on Saturday night and the Ruby Tuesdays I had for Mother's Day lunch. Until I said it all out loud to my friend this morning, I didn't even realize what I had eaten. All the seemingly "not so bad" choices compiled over the course of a weekend turned into an avalanche of bad decisions that ultimately caused a pretty substantial weight gain over the weekend. I am hoping that a large portion of this weight is fluid retention from sodium, but I am not going to count on that. I am simply renewing my dedication to my lifestyle plan and attacking my workouts with more vigor than before. I am not going to rehash the details of all the "not so bad" choices I made this weekend, but suffice it to say, I won't be doing that again!
I mentioned to my mom last night (at dinner out at a restaurant - didn't even think of that when I was confessing to Danny this morning) that I can't look at food like a normal person. I have to look at food much like an alcoholic views alcohol. Food is my addiction. It tastes so good to me, yet makes me feel guilty afterward. I tend to want to hide away and eat things in the security of my bedroom, office, etc. I shouldn't feel that way. If I feel as though I have to "hide" to eat it, then I shouldn't be eating it.
Lately, my big weakness has been Subway. I love the steak, egg white and cheese flatbread. I know it's not the worst thing I could eat there, but it's definitely not the best, either. Anyway, there have been times recently that I've been in there eating this and almost had a heart attack because I thought Danny was going to walk in and see me eating it. That's not how food should be. It shouldn't be something I am scared of, after all, I have to eat to live.
Long story short, I made some bad decisions this weekend. I'm not going to let them discourage me, but I am angry with myself in letting myself regress. If I am honest, I let myself get mentally comfortable. For the past year, I have felt as though food and fitness has been my only priority. I realize now that it has to be. Forget if it inconveniences others. Forget if it interferes with something I really want to do. This is my priority right now. It has to be. If I am going to get fit and be healthy, I have to focus on this and pay attention to my decisions. Ultimately, each little decision compounds to make my overall picture of health.
I am learning this lesson the hard way. This isn't the first time I've been through this. It probably won't be my last (although I can hope). Ten minutes of satisfying my cravings for the foods I used to eat is causing me to have to work about ten extra hours this week to make up for it. And, I'll be honest, nothing is making me more mad than to have to re-lose the same weight I already fought to lose in the first place.
Moving on and ahead - not looking back. Owning the mistake and learning a lesson from it. That's all I can do with the past. It will do me no good to get in a "funk" and worry about it now. All I can do is focus on the path ahead and stop sabotaging myself.
Here's my commitment...to keep myself accountable. If I feel as though I have to eat whatever it is in secret, I'm not going to do it. If I wouldn't do it in front of my trainer, then it probably isn't what I am supposed to do. The rest of the month of May will have no Subway in it. So, now, instead of "No-Weigh May," I am having "no-Subway May." I need the scale this week to gauge the level of progress I need to make on re-losing those pounds I gained over the weekend.
