Love Somebody

I don't love myself. It's true. I struggle with insecurities, self-worth, and more. I care too much about what people think of me. I don't view myself as important. I define my self-worth externally. I just realized this today. I don't care as much about what people say about me or think about me as I did 138 pounds ago; but the habit of judging myself is still there. This whole conversation came about today when I was talking to a dear friend. She was telling me that if I don't love myself for who I am, then how can I expect anyone else to love me...and how will I ever trust that that is a true love? I never really realized how hard on myself I have been. Instead of being proud of what I have accomplished, instead, I berate and belittle myself for what I can't do. Yet. 

For example, instead of being proud of myself that I could run on an incline for a solid minute (a new accomplishment), I berated myself because of the noise my skin makes when flapping when I run. I'm self-conscious about that. Bottom line...it doesn't matter. I'm there at the gym or running to save my life. That is what's important. 

This week, Danny spoke some harsh truth to me. It was one of those truths that you hate...especially because you know it is true and that makes you even more mad. Know what I mean? I was whining (yes, whining) about the difficulties I was having making the mental switch from diet to lifestyle (primarily about eating chicken, rice and veggies every single day). It just wasn't clicking...or so I thought. It was, I just didn't want to hear the truth. I had a couple derailments this week. My own choice. So, when Danny told me I was being lazy about my food prep and being prepared in every circumstance, I was angry. The more I thought of it, though, it is true. I have become lazy. Somewhere along the way I developed a mentality that I can eat whatever I want in moderation. What I didn't take into consideration is my lack of self-control. So, needless to say, the laziness just increased. I failed to prep my food ahead of time and as a result, I ate off plan. I stopped logging my food in MyFitnessPal and Anytime Health, so I had no idea the number of calories I was consuming. All I know is that the scale was stagnant and didn't move. At. All. 

We did measurements today for the first time in two months today (delayed because of my recent hospital stays). While I lost 7 inches total, most of it in my thighs which I was NOT expecting, my weight was exactly the same as it was 2 months ago. That shouldn't happen. But it did...why? Because I'm lazy about food preparation. The eating part of this lifestyle change just didn't interest me as much. That has to change. Now. 

I still worked my butt off at the gym. Mostly. There were a couple nights I just wasn't feeling it. That happens. What I have to do is be careful not to make that a habit and just push through. For any of you just starting a weight loss journey, I have one piece of advice: Don't. Give. Up. 

For some reason, I have had this mentality--that I am not deserving of a healthy lifestyle, to feel confident and beautiful, and to be loved...by myself and others. So this week is about learning to love myself for who I am, taking enough pride in that to make the changes, and following through on that determination. If you see me around, ask me how I'm doing...not with my lifestyle change, but with loving myself. The lifestyle change will come with the freedom of loving myself. 

Does anyone else out there struggle with this? How do you deal with it? Comment below!