It's been awhile....a good long while

It has been a good long while since I have felt anything but self-hate and negativity toward myself. I tried not to show it on the outside, always pasting on a smile or a laugh. Remember all those times I had to work late, or already had other plans? Those plans were to internalize so much negativity toward myself that I could barely get out of bed. In truth, I was severely depressed. I was a functional depressed person. I still got up and went to work every day. I still got up and fulfilled my promises I had made to other people. I still laughed and smiled - but those laughs and smiles never quite made it to my soul. I hated myself. I hate myself for being overweight. I hate that I can't be the daughter/sister/aunt/friend I want to be. I'm hate that I never feel adequate enough. I hate that I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate that I feel inferior. I hate that I let people make me feel inferior. 

Back in December, I met a friend for lunch after church. In fact, we were not really friends at the time - we barely knew each other outside of saying hello at church and some quick introductory texts throughout the week. Somehow during that lunch, I opened up about my struggles and she recommended that I see a therapist about how I was feeling - I mean what was I going to lose? Of course, I had been told this several times before, but I wasn't ready to deal with those open wounds. The holidays came and went and finally, I called to make an appointment. I scheduled my first appointment for February 19th.  I was petrified to make that appointment, but once it was made I felt slightly exhilarated because I knew I had stepped up to the plate to make something count for me.  About ten days later, I fell into a really deep depression. You'd have never known it by looking at me, but I knew. I dreaded going to work, going to be with people, and wanted only to hole up in my apartment and sleep. Guys, that is not how I used to be. I began contemplating what I could do to help get me out of my funk. The answer was clear. I had no choice but to move up the appointment. I couldn't have waited another month to see the therapist. 

My first appointment, I didn't really know what to expect. I had pre-filled out all of the paperwork and I remember having to force myself to go into the appointment. I did not know what to expect. I felt low for having to go see a therapist - I should be able to handle my own life, right? I mean, I'm a Christian - why am I struggling with this? Anyway, I get inside and they hand me this test to fill out. First of all, I hate tests. And I really hate tests where you have to grade yourself - and of course, this was a test where I had to grade myself as doing something "Always" "Never" Sometimes" "Often" or "Rarely".  The first question was about a certain part of my body and whether I liked it or did not like it. Um yeah, no. I don't love my body. In fact, I hate my body. Just about every aspect. Except my eyes. I like my eye color. Anyway, back to the point. I did not really know what to discuss. We went through some biographical information - nothing too heavy for the first session, except that we got into negative self-talk. I was told to cut it out. Easier said than done after thirty years of hating yourself. 

I left that first appointment feeling completely drained and like I had been run over by a bus. But, I made an appointment for the next week and am taking it week by week. The second week we discussed how logically we know something but emotionally we do not believe it. An example of this would be: "Logically, I know that everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, without changing. Emotionally, I don't believe that applies to me." Then, the idea is to write several ideas or general statements about how to start changing your emotional mindset to that aspect. So, for that example, I could say something like, "I can find time to do one thing that makes me happy each day." And slowly, by changing my thought patterns, I will begin to truly believe what I know to be true in my mind.

One of the most impactful things I have learned so far, is that I constantly lived in a place of specific negativity, sometimes without even realizing the impact it was having on me. I made specific statements about myself - "I am fat." "I am not worth investing into." "I cannot please anyone." "I never feel adequate." "I feel like a doormat and that's where I belong." and then I had to turn those specific negatives into generally negative statements. So, instead of "I am fat." I say, "I don't like my body right now." Or, "I feel like a doormat and that's where I belong" changes to "I feel like my boundaries are not respected." You get the idea. THEN, comes the harder part (there's still a hardest part) of making those generally negative statements generally positive statements. So for example, "I am fat," became "I don't like my body right now," which becomes "I showed up and am working hard to meet my goals." See how much more positive that last phrase sounded? It took about a week for that resonate with me, and there was a marked difference in my perspectives when I went back to my next appointment. 

I am not naive. I know depression will come in waves, but the difference is that I am working toward really getting to the root of the problem, so that I can try to fix it, and not just put a bandaid on a gushing wound. It's only by dealing with these issues will I be able to really understanding why I am like I am and what I can do to really try and draw myself out of the mire when I get there. 

I guess the whole point of this post is to not be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Really and truly, admitting it to yourself is the first hurdle, and then reaching out is the second. Chances are, my friend, you might even soar faster and higher than you ever thought possible.

Transformin6: Week 2

We are about three days into our second week in Transformin6. This challenge has been so much more of a head game for me. I never realized how much crappy food I ate - even when I was "eating clean" (or maybe I just chose to ignore it).  When I first got my meal plan from #bemarthafit I was skeptical. How could I go from eating 1400-1600 calories a day to 2300 every single day? It seemed impossible. Truthfully, some days, it still does. I mean, I'm only ten days in! Anyway, if you follow me on Instagram - @journey2strong you'll know what I'm eating as I'm making daily posts for another contest I've joined with another person whose weight loss journey I've been following for a couple years, @ilostbigandsocanyou.

Transformin6

So it's been a long while since I posted anything on this blog. I don't even know if people still read it. I guess it doesn't really matter. This blog is to preserve my journey...for me. Tomorrow starts a new leg of my journey. I have entered a weight loss transformation contest. I will be counting macros and working out 6 days each week for the next 6 weeks. The contest runs from September 25 - November 4. I will document briefly each day in MyFitnessPal my struggles, strengths, victories, failures. I'm actually excited about getting back on the bandwagon and feeling better!

JourneyToStrong 2.0

Monday, I will embark on a new leg of my journey. It isn't a new journey, just a new path. If you know me, you know that I have "fallen off the wagon" so to speak. It's been a hard pill to swallow, knowing that I have regressed in so many areas that I worked so hard to overcome. But, grace. I've learned this from someone whose journey has inspired me to start a new leg of my journey. One that I can maintain, and one that I can enjoy. I've had many wise people in my life over the past four years of my journey (crazy to think it's been that long already!) and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. You were there to teach me what I needed in that moment. Now, it's time for a different journey.

This journey will be like any other - it will have valleys and it will have peaks. The difference is that this time, I am doing the journey for me, and me alone. Last time, I got too caught up in what everyone else thought of me, and what everyone else said I should and shouldn't do. Advice is welcome, but your journey doesn't look like mine, and mine doesn't look like the next person's. And, that is okay. Because, we are all created differently, and have different areas that we excel in. Case in point - I want to run (and do it well) so badly. Sadly, it isn't a strength of mine - neither is cardio in general, really (mainly because it bores me to tears). Strength training and cross fit type workouts are near and dear to my heart. There's something about feeling strong that makes me feel empowered. 

Anyway, I digress...the point of this whole blog, which is really kind of all over the place, is that I am doing this journey for me. I want to live a healthier life for my nephew and nieces (and the one on the way). I want to have a life I love to live - and not feel a sense of dread when someone wants to walk around D.C. or when I have to take a flight of stairs because I'm winded. I want to enjoy life. God gave it to me to enjoy, not to be a couch potato. 

Anyone else want to join in on this journey?

Life, Love and Balance

I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Before I moved to Northern Virginia, I was comfortable in my gym. I was comfortable with my eating plan (admittedly, maybe a bit too comfortable).  I was comfortable in my relationships. I was comfortable in my job. Moving up to Northern Virginia has made me have to find a new gym, start a new eating plan, make new relationships, and get familiar with a new job (it's the same job title, but things are waaaaay different here than I'm used to). Change isn't a bad thing. And, I've come to realize that I have got to get myself back on track. And, only I can do it.

Right after Christmas, I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis and gallstones. I ended up having my gallbladder removed, and spent the next two to three weeks recovering from that surgery. I am now back to work in the gym and on my eating plan. I am not perfect. Some days I'm spot on and other days I'm not. But I am trying. Old habits die hard, and even harder are those habits that resurfaced after I thought I had fixed it the first time around.

Here's to a successful 2017! Full of life, love, balance and everything you want!

Seasons...

You know how everyone picked a word for 2016? Many picked "faith" or "trust" or "strength" or "grace." My word - which I am just now coming to realize is seasons. Everywhere I turn, there is something about seasons. No, I don't mean the seasons of the year (although if we're on this topic, can we PLEASE get some warmth up in here?!?). I am talking seasons of life.

Last year was a pretty big year for me. I had my skin removal surgery. I had complications from that surgery beyond what anyone expected (and I'm still dealing with some of them from today). I gained weight and lost weight. I changed jobs. I relocated away from most of my friends and family. Yet, through it all, God has been faithful. I haven't shared much about my relocation because, secretly, I think I doubted that God knew what He was doing. Ha. Joke was on me. I know that. I also know that God is sovereign and that He always knows the plan.

Relocating from my closest friends and family was a challenge. I still get homesick (don't ask my Mom, she'll tell you I cried to her all weekend last weekend - which is true, but not the point). I still miss my nephew and nieces something terrible. I miss my heart to heart talks with my best friend. I just miss how life used to be. But, I am not convinced that I should return back to Hampton Roads at this time. This is a different season in my life. I am not saying the Hampton Roads season will never come back - but it's not that season right now. I do not know what the future holds, and I'm glad, because honestly, I'd probably run!

This season is all about stretching me -- from living on my own, to managing to my finances, to finding my own church that aligns with my beliefs, to throwing myself into a community group with no one that I really know. Funny thing is, God is there (duh!). I went to Community Group for the first time last night, and surprise! The girl there - was from Hampton. She knows exactly what it is like to extract yourself from the situation in which you are comfortable and put yourself in a different place where you know nobody. She understands the dramatic difference the pace of life is here in NoVa versus Hampton Roads. She gets it. I needed that, and God knew it.

I know this post really has nothing to do with my weight loss journey, but it was one I felt compelled to write.  As you focus on your trials and tribulations, perhaps you can look for the silver lining - maybe that little bitty lining is God's touch showing you He is in control.

Gearing up for the holidays and the New Year

Man, the holidays have come quickly this year! I mean, not literally, but it seems like it was just April...then August and now, BAM! It's Christmas! With Christmas comes all the holiday cooking and baking and less of the working out and eating healthy...at least for me. I'm human. I enjoy cakes and pies just like the rest of you. 

This year, I'm doing things a little different. I am enjoying time with my family and friends and adding in an extra workout here and there. My workouts are still light as I'm technically benched until January, but I am hoping that my incision will fully heal this time and I can get back to it. 

In anticipation of the new year, I am working on something in every aspect of my life. None of it is too big, they are many small goals and I am focusing in on them every single day. Because every single day leads to a week, and every week leads to a month, and every month to a year. And, when you do something in repetition, it becomes easier. 

1. Eat clean 85% of the time.  It's a "cheat" meal not day!

2. Drink only water and unsweetened green tea. At least one gallon of water daily. 

3. Workouts to consist of strength training five days per week, cardio five days per week and a HIIT workout one day per week. 

4. Write out and memorize a verse or short passage of Scripture every single day. My verses for January are already written in my planner. 

5. Save $10 per day, except for payday a in which $50 is deposited to savings. Don't touch the savings account!

There you have it. I won't be perfect and I know that. I accept that. But I can strive for perfection, because in that, I'll find a balance that works for me. 

DietBet, Faithfully Fit & Encouragement

If you follow my Facebook page at all, you will see that I have joined a DietBet with the hosts of the popular ABC show, Extreme Weight Loss Makeover.  I love that show - it is very inspiring and encouraging to see the participants change their lives because they want to. Each of those people has a common thread - they want to do it for themselves. Most often, there is someone pushing them and motivating them mentally and emotionally, while Chris and Heidi push them physically. I have been lucky to have someone like Chris and Heidi in my life. However, no matter how much I do myself, I have to realize that this battle I fight is not just mental, emotional and physical, it is spiritual, most of all. Why do I overeat? Why do I binge eat? Why do I eat when I'm bored, tired, sad, happy, angry or depressed? Why? Because it's my addiction. It is my bondage. So now you're thinking - great - so there's no way to ever get past an addiction, I mean once an addict, always an addict, right? 

WRONG.

Praise the Lord that is wrong! I will admit to you (as would any addict to anything - drugs, alcohol, pornography, food - whatever) that you will struggle. I will struggle. But the beautiful part is, I am redeemed. Therefore, I have the Power within me to heal me of my addiction. I do not know the future. I only know my past. My past is that I haven't fully surrendered my addiction. In a sick sense, it seems sometimes that my food is the only thing I can control; but, in reality, it is food controlling me. 

Tomorrow I am starting a dedicated study called Faithfully Fit by Claire Cloninger and Laura Barr.  It's a 40 day journey. By my calculation, starting on November 2, 2015, I will complete this 40 day journey on December 12, 2015. If you would like to join me, I would love to have you aboard. I will blog a little about my journey, or maybe a lot. It really just depends on what the Lord teaches me about my life during that time. 

I am encouraged by these Scriptures:

II Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new Creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come!"

Romans 8:31, "What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us?"

Romans 8:37, "...in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us."

As you all know, my mantra has been #JourneyToStrong for nearly a year now. My #JourneyToStrong is my weight and the addictions for which the enemy has me in a stronghold. My #JourneyToStrong is becoming victorious. 

Six Months (and a week) Post-Op Update

Six months (and a week). Hard to believe it's been that long since my surgery, and yet, it feels like just yesterday.  A lot has happened in six months. On the health perspective, I am finally healed - no more wounds - I have one more visit at the clinic this Friday and if they clear me, I am done with medical treatment. I'll still have follow up appointments with the surgeon in November/December and again at one year.

Since the last update, at three months post-op, much has happened. I have relocated to Northern Virginia for a new job, made some new friends, lost some others, ended a relationship and through it all, admittedly, have lost focus on my health goals. I am here to change that now. After all, it is never too late to start (again).

I have been a little depressed over my inability to do many exercises - things using my core are still very hard for me - planks are okay, but any kind of sit-up or crunch motion feels as though my back incisions are pulling. While I know it is a mental challenge and one I need to overcome (the back incisions have been healed since July, so they aren't reopening), I have found it hard to get my mojo back.

I felt like I lost part of me. And, that's not okay.

You see, I enjoyed being part of something - the group of girls I worked out with at the gym, the workout classes I took, the personal training I did - all of it. It became my life. I will find this again, here, and it will take time. Most of you know I am not a patient person. When the doctor told me six to eight weeks healing time, I was willing to give him twelve. Then it turned into 4, 5 and 6 months. And now, here we are.

Setting new goals and preparing for the future. I can't look back and change what I did or did not do, or what I should have done. I can only look forward to tomorrow - to the next bite of my pre-planned meals and the next "no" to temptation. I can only put one foot in front of the other. Just like you.

A champion is not someone who gets it the first time. A champion is someone who never quits, even when they've momentarily failed. A champion is someone who never gives up, works hard and pursues a dream worth having.

I want to be a champion. 

Do you?

Changes

It's been nearly 3 months since I posted. Oops. There has not been much to report in the weight loss arena - in fact, if I am honest, I've gone backwards in my way of thinking. Recently, I've decided to recommit to my changes and that is going to be harder than ever.  To help kickstart my own journey back into gear, I signed up to be an Independent Beachbody Coach. It was so much easier for me o go to the gym at 5:00 a.m. when it was right around the corner from me, but now, the gym is about 20 minutes away! It makes it harder and harder to get out of bed!

My first day on the journey will be Saturday - mainly because I have not had the time to prepare. I have a freezer full of chicken and steak and fish, so I am really going to try and fix it all up nice and healthy-like next week! I miss my clean eating days.

Change is inevitable. It's how you react to change that shows your strength. I have not shown great strength in this phase of my life, but I am recommitting right here right now that I am doing it. For me. For no one else. I love myself and part of that is because I've fought hard to become her. If I give up now, I have wasted thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours. Bottom line - I will not quit. I may struggle, I  may have a cheat meal, I may fall off the wagon. But, the whole point is to get back on.

Three Month Post Surgery Update

Yesterday marked three months since my skin removal surgery. Three months. It doesn't seem possible. A lot has happened in that three months, much of which, unless you're close to me, you probably don't know. 

My dad said that when I was in recovery, I was so excited because my stomach was flat. In fact, he says I told him I had abs. Now, I don't remember saying that, but hey...I remember spending that first five days in the hospital. The food was awful like usual but instead of having friends bring me food all the time, I had (in advance) told them to tell me no! Instead, I did have someone bring me two meals, but I was careful in what I selected and made sure it was as "clean" as I could. 

Many of you know that the week following my surgery, I was put back in the hospital with some infection in my sutures new that had opened. I had four areas that opened - my back, right side, and two teeny spots in the front. The front spots were the first to heal, then the back and now finally the right side seems to be getting the hang of healing. During that stay I had to have a second surgery to clean out the wounds that had opened as they were highly infected. 

Upon my release from the hospital, I was brought back to the emergency room the following day with a blood clot in my right arm. Apparently, during my second stay there was a blood clot around my PICC line but despite medications never really went away so when the PICC was removed it traveled to my arm. That led me to another week in the hospital. All in all for the surgery and subsequent stays I think I spent 24 days in the hospital. I am so thankful to my grandma, not only for her opening her home to me to recuperate, but because she came up to the hospital every single day to make sure I was not alone so my parents could work. I am so thankful to my mom who spent most nights up at the hospital with me so that I was not alone and would help me get in and out of bed during the night if needed. I am thankful for my friend Cynthia who stuck by me through the dressing changes when I was in agonizing pain and didn't complain when I squeezed her fingers to death. I am thankful for every single one of you that has helped either financially or prayerfully. 

I have to remember where I came from Sometimes, and yesterday was a prime example, I get discouraged that I am not back in the gym yet. That I'm not working on my next fitness goal. To be completely transparent, part of me is scared. Scared I won't be able to do what I once did. Scared because I know I have to do more than I once did. I used the excuse of my excess skin for so long (and it was a valid excuse for not being able to do some things) but now...what's my excuse? 

This journey is not only physical, it is mental and emotional too. I didn't realize quite how much until I went through it. I am so thankful for my friend Christine who has been through this surgery and kind of warned me what to expect. We had the same surgeon and even though I had more skin removed and have more weight to lose, she really has stepped up and encouraged me. 

If you have a health decision to make and you haven't done it, I beg you not to wait. Especially if it is losing weight. It doesn't get easier with time. In fact it gets harder and slower. 

So, remembering where I came from...two and a half years ago I was tipping the scales at 500 pounds or close to it. Today I'm half that and have the knowledge I need to be successful in losing the last 100 pounds. I know it will be tough. It will have pain. Bruises and battle scars. But each and every time I want to quit I will remember from where I came. I do not ever want to go back there. When my journey is complete, I would like to get my certification as a personal trainer and nutritionist - a far cry from where I ever thought I'd be. 

God has been faithful to me throughout this journey, providing exactly what I need when I need it and most times more than I ever dreamed.