Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I'm Losing My Security Blanket...

Well, I did it. I called the doctor about the skin surgery. I know I'm not ready for it yet, but I need to get the process started. Apparently, it can be quite lengthy. For the past 10 days, I've been trying to suck it up and call. Many times, I did...then hung up. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think part of it was the fear of rejection. Part of it is the fear of cost (if the insurance won't cover it). Part of it is that I won't know what to do with myself when I'm a normal size. Even though I don't want this fat on me anymore, it's like my security blanket. It's always been there. I've always been behind it. I've never been without it. It's scary to think of what it is truly like out there in the big old world - how many opportunities lay out there just ready to be snatched up.

After this last surgery, I called the surgeon to make the consultation appointment. He told me that I would have to have a letter from my primary care physician, even though the insurance doesn't require it for a consultation. Previously, my doctor had told me I would need to lose another 75 pounds or so before I would be a candidate for the surgery. I haven't lost that amount since January. So, I refused to call him (or I'd call and hang up). I just knew he would reject my request, and without that letter, the plastic surgeon won't see me. Then, to top it all off, I asked the case manager assigned to my health for this year if the insurance company would even consider paying for the surgery or for a portion. Of course, that answer was no. I was dejected when I found out. I don't know what I expected to feel - I knew they would say no. I suppose I was hoping that by some miracle, it would be an easy win for me. I don't know why I expected that. This journey isn't about it being easy. It's about faith. It's about hard work. It's about struggles. It's about accepting failure and trying again - not staying there.

So why am I pushing forward with trying to schedule the surgery even though I'm not where I need to be? Many reasons - (1) The insurance process takes a long time. (2) My "extra skin" is seriously impeding my ability to do other things. (3) This one is purely vain - I want cute clothes! I know my girlfriends will understand that one!

After speaking with the nurse, I just have to sit and wait. For how long, I don't know. I'm just glad that minor step is behind me. After the letter, I have to call and make the actual consult. Now that is going to be tough! Worth it, but tough. Doors are opening - some slower than I'd like - but still opening. I will update after speaking with the doctor's office.




It's been awhile....a good long while

It has been a good long while since I have felt anything but self-hate and negativity toward myself. I tried not to show it on the outside, ...