Say What?!? You want me to do what?!?

How far is forever? I'm just kidding. That's not what this post is about. This morning I had a training session at 7:00 a.m. On a Saturday. Yep. 7:00 a.m. That's early. But, I was there. I was prepared to do it. And then, I got the "we're going outside." Huh? I like the air conditioned gym. I can still break a good sweat in there ... even at a frigid 67 degrees!

So we go outside. And we stand in the parking lot. And then he says, "you're running suicides..."Say what?!? I seriously haven't done a suicide run since like elementary PE. Why would I? That is cruel and unusual punishment. And, I should've seen this coming, but of course, it was THREE sets! Everything is THREE! Or four, if you're lucky.

So we finish the suicide runs, and I'm pretty sure the three of us that did them were ready to fall on the pavement and gasp for air. But no, now we're back in the air conditioned gym. Where I wanted to be, right? And, we're heading to free weights...yay! My favorite. And then he says to grab the weights and head to the treadmill. Elation downgraded to disappointment.

It only got better (and by better, I mean worse). The next words were "jogging intervals." Lovely. Walk, I'm good with. Elliptical, I'm okay with it. We're working on our relationship. But jogging? We're just not that serious about each other yet. So he presets our treadmills at a speed and incline and says we're jogging for a full minute. Okay. I can do this. I can do anything for a minute, right? First minute down. Now, let's get off the treadmill (carefully, because we have to leave them running so we can jump back on when we're done with the interval phase). The interval phase is to put a weight on the floor, stand with feet about shoulder width apart, and yank that sucker up over your head and back down to the floor. Ten reps. Breathe for a minute then back on the treadmill for another minute interval.  (What I didn't tell you is that they left me the heaviest weight - the 30 pound dumbbell! AND that each interval meant incline got higher and higher.)

When it was all said and done, I felt like I accomplished a killer workout. BUT...I was ready to lose the breakfast I hadn't eaten. Then Danny says, "Let's plan an elite workout...you know with sledgehammers, monster truck tires, sleds..." And of course, that's going to be outside, too. I'll be honest - it sounds fun but scary! If that happens, I can guarantee you there will be a LONG post about that...once I've recovered.

Then, because my car isn't working today, I had to walk home. In the sun. Yuck. But, I did it. It's done. And next time Danny says, "jogging intervals" I will try to not inwardly complain so much. I just have to remember that I'm there to do a job, and that he knows how to get that job done. I may not like it, but I don't like being fat and unhealthy either.

After this wonderfully fun training session and my jaunt home, I had to get ready for a wedding. The wedding was beautiful and the reception (for the first time in, well, ever) was fun! I was able to interact on the dance floor and do the line dances. Fun times. I'm exhausted now, so I'm signing out, but I am sure there will be more fun at the gym tomorrow!

Thankful

I'm blessed. No matter what stressor happens in my life, I'm blessed. Why?

1. I have a God who loves me, just the way I am - skinny or fat, happy or sad.
2. I have a family who loves me.
3. I have friends who truly care about me.
4. I have a trainer who pushes me waaaaay outside my comfort zone and reminds me to dig for it. Because when you dig for it, that means you really want it.
5. I have a gym family. Always there to encourage me. I have the best gym family, actually. Who would've ever thought I would enjoy the people at the gym so much? Most everyone is such an encouragement.
6. I have a job that I love to do. And, people I like to work with. Many people can't say that. I can. Sure, it's a stressful job, but what jobs these days aren't at some point?

Today marks an important achievement in my life. I have lost the most weight ever as a total AND separate. What do I mean by that? Well, I started my weight loss journey last July, then fell off the wagon, so-to-speak, last fall, remember? So, the remaining weight that I didn't gain plus the weight I lost up to today is the highest number I have ever reached.

For those who don't know, my goal is 100 pounds by August 1. That gives me 8 weeks from tomorrow to make it happen. I totally think it is attainable, and I'm choosing to believe it will happen. This does not mean there will not be mistakes, challenges, et cetera. However, it does mean that I will bust my tail to make sure it does happen. I will have to do a big reward for the 100 pounds. I need some ideas. What do y'all who read this think? I'm not a pedicure/manicure person. My only extracurricular activity is the gym at this point. I just got new shoes for 50 pounds...so I'm stumped. Think on it. Comment. If I pick your idea, well, maybe there will be something special in it for you!

I am bursting at the seams with excitement for measurements on Monday. Again, who would've thought? That's not generally something I would get excited about. But, today, I am. For the first time in my life, I don't dread stepping on the scale (I still don't like the number, but we're working on that).

So to all my family, friends, gym family and co-workers - thank you. To Danny, my trainer, a super big thank you. For pushing me outside my comfort zone and making me realize that I can do what I put my mind to. That this battle is mainly a mental game with myself, and I can overcome it. And finally, last but definitely not least, to Cynthia - for giving me the strength and courage (and OK the final push) to meet with Danny and come up with a plan to change my life.

I am blessed.

Permissible or Beneficial?

There is a saying, "Anything is permissible, but not beneficial." Man, is that a true statement. You probably don't realize what you just put in your mouth. If you're like I used to be, I would graze and snack while watching television, browsing Facebook, playing on my phone...not paying any attention to the hundreds of calories in the seemingly few snacks I ate. 

What is it that you struggle with? For me, it's an addiction to food and the comfort that it brings. It was a hatred for exercise...mainly because I was scared of what people would think about the fat girl at the gym. I struggled with that low self-esteem mentality for many years. Only by the grace of God have I been able to begin to overcome that. Now I look forward to going and pushing myself just a little bit further. It's when a milestone is reached...that the last 10 seconds you had to dig for we're totally worth it. When your elliptical is going backward at level 12 or 15 and you feel like your legs will turn to jelly any second...that's when it counts. That's when you know you are giving 110%. 

This journey is not for the weary. It requires dedication. It requires attention to detail. It requires determination. It will yield results. Maybe not as quickly as we'd like or in as many pounds as we like, but in inches, in the way we feel, the way we carry ourselves. So, if you're on a journey too, please let me know how I can encourage you. We are in this together...for the long haul. 

No turning back now!

A Few of My Favorite Things

Short little post this morning...just to vent my frustrations and get my stress levels down. 

Ever heard the saying, "You can drag me down but you can't keep me down?" Well, that's how I feel today. Today was a weigh-in day. I have to admit, I'm a little frustrated. I'm not quitting, but I'm frustrated. I gained this week. At first I thought it had to do with a cheat meal or rest day, but Danny says that is not the case. I trust him. He thinks I've not been focusing enough on cardio. So, that's my goal this week - at least an hour a day. Minimal weight training. I'm back very close to that 50 pound mark, and I will not go under that again. It took many, many hours to get it done. I'm not willing to go back there. So, here's what I have to say to the scale - I'm not judging myself by the number on that scale. I'm judging myself by the differences I see in my day to day life. By the things I could never do before. By the things I've done in the past 2 months that I never thought possible. Here's a list of the few of my favorites:

• Walking at the outlets. For real, I hated them. Hated to walk. Spent 5 hours this this weekend.
• Going up and down Mt. Trashmore numerous times. Wasn't fast, wasn't pretty, but I did it.
• Running. Again, not fast or pretty, but I did it. Repeatedly. And, the duration is getting longer.
• Elliptical. I used to hate that thing. I don't love it, but I don't hate it. I used to think I was restricted to the recumbent bike. Ha! I haven't been on that thing in eons!
• Weight Training. Surprisingly enough, I love to be in the free weight section. Who ever would've guessed?

So there you have it. I am feeling multitudes better now. By the way, a special thanks to Danny for coming to the gym early to train this morning. I appreciate your belief in me more than you'll ever know. And, to my support system that reads this blog, thanks for letting me vent. Have a beautiful day! P.S. - All my gym rat folks, I'll be there tonight - with bells on - busting out some cardio before small group training. See ya then. 

Living Life to the Fullest

I don't truly even know what this means. What do I mean by this? Exactly what it says. I've never really lived. What does it mean to truly live? I hear people talk about this all the time. They do what they want and don't have to think twice about modifying because their butt doesn't fit in the seat or buying two airline tickets just so there is enough room. They can buy cute clothes. They have boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives/children. I've never experienced that. 

I will relay the funny story about my last airline experience (and unless something drastic happens, will be my last airline experience until I can comfortably ride in one seat). 

Sara and I decided to go visit some friends and their son who reside in Kentucky. The nearest airport was Nashville. So, Sara and I bought our tickets and all was well. I bought 2 tickets for comfort reasons. When I picked up my tickets, one had my name correctly and the other had the name listed as "Extra Seat." So we walk down the terminal to check in and the flight attendant asks for identification. I give her mine. She asks for Extra Seat's identification. I'm pretty sure I just looked at her stupidly. I told her that there was no other person...that Sara and I were the only travelers. On and on this went until the line for people to check in was astronomically long. Finally in an exasperated tone I just looked at her and said, "I am fat and bought two seats!" She seemed to get it that time, let Sara, myself and "Extra Seat" board, and the rest of the trip was uneventful. 

I do not ever want to have to go through that again. You may wonder that after that experience, why didn't I focus on losing weight then? Well...I don't know. Control issues like I previously described? Fear of failure? Overwhelmed at the vast amount of pounds to lose? Of course, had I done it then, it wouldve been less to lose, but that is neither here nor there. Whatever the reason, I didn't do it. I wish I would've. I wonder if by now I would be what I want to be. If I would be married and starting a family. What I do know is that everything works together for a purpose. Maybe my purpose is to encourage someone else along this road. Maybe not. But whatever the circumstance, I am going to choose to be thankful for I am and who I am becoming. This is the journey of a lifetime. 

Don't You Understand?

Question #2:

Don't you understand what you are doing to your body?

To a point. Though sometimes I don't think I really cared. I just wanted to be accepted and loved by someone. I was sailing through life. I had no health complications. Sure, I couldn't walk very far or run, but aside from that, I had no problems. I had regular blood pressure (quite good, actually - surprisingly enough). No diabetes. No heart issues. Regular cholesterol. A minor thyroid issue, but nothing major. I thought things were not affecting me. Until one day. This is the start of the downward spiral that I was in. I didn't have any health issues...on the surface. But deep down, I had an infection that I did not know about. It caused extreme cellulitis on my left leg. Not just the front, but the back. I ended up in the hospital for 13 days, and home from work for another 6 weeks after I was discharged. During that stay, I had to have IV antibiotics twice a day and fluids consistently. That was the longest 2 months of my life.  Then, not four weeks after I was back at work, I had another outbreak of the infection - this time, on my right arm. This also required surgery and IV antibiotics. When they discharged me, I had to have a central line put in my neck so that I could administer the IV antibiotics myself. I had to wear that thing with pride. Ugh it was painful. I couldn't turn my neck. Do you think I learned my lesson? Nope. Remember when I told you that last fall (after losing 40 pounds) I got sick and fell off the wagon...or rather, abandoned ship? I was in the hospital yet again. This time, the infection was in my right leg. Thankfully, this one did not require surgery, but I was in the hospital and did have to have IV antibiotics.  Thankfully, since October/November, I have not had another incident with this infection. I'm hoping that with working hard and trying to get my health in order, that I can avoid anymore run-ins with cellulitis. It really is not pleasant.

I truly don't think that through it all I realized what I was doing to my body. I mean, I knew I was overweight. I knew I was morbidly obese. I knew all that. But what I didn't know or care about was the ramifications of what I was doing to my body. I'm going to be courageous here. Next week, I hit my 2 months of focusing on what I eat, and working out (every day except one rest day). At that "anniversary" I have to take measurements. I hated it the first time. In fact, I cried. But, it's like I told the trainer (a/k/a Danny), "It can only get better from here." So, here we go...I will post new stats next week after the weigh-in/measurement.

This picture was taken April 15, 2013 (two weeks after I started going to the gym seriously ... mainly because I wouldn't agree to the picture. Then, when I signed on with Danny, he was required to take the photo....so, I reluctantly agreed.) At this point, I had already lost 15 pounds.

April 15, 2013: 422.6 lbs

Measurements were taken on May 2, 2013 and will be retaken next week, on June 3, 2013. I will post the new ones in comparison to the old ones that night after my gym workout.

Neck: 16"
Chest: 52.5"
Waist: 56"
Hips: 75"
Left Thigh: 39.5"
Right Thigh: 36.5"
Left Calf: 26"
Right Calf: 28.5"
Left Bicep: 21.5"
Right Bicep: 20.5"
Shoulders: 56.5"

Bringing on the challenge! I can't wait for the final reveal! Thank you to ALL who support me and send me encouraging messages on Facebook, texting, etc. You don't know how much it is appreciated!

How Could I Do It?

Questions I've been asked (repeatedly): "How could you let yourself get so overweight?" "Don't you understand what you are doing to your body?" "Don't you want to live your life to the fullest?" "Don't you want to be able to do the things normal people do?"

Let me answer these questions for you. By the way, as a side note, I encourage you to ask me anything you want. Comment or reply in the blog. Or on Facebook. Or text me. I don't care. I'm making this a wide open journey for all to follow.

Okay, now let's start. I'll answer each question in a different blog post. Seriously, don't be shy.

1. How could you let yourself get so overweight?

Control. Food is the only thing I felt I had control over. Clearly, I was wrong. I remember taking change from Mom's change jar to buy my "friends" snacks from the vending machine during elementary school. I remember getting my first job, and using that money to buy school lunch...in addition to the one I brought from home. I remember grazing all day every day on who knows what (whatever was convenient at the time). I remember going away to college. I moved to Florida, away from my family (ha! that only lasted six months!). While there, the freshman fifteen probably became more like the freshman fifty (to be fair, I was gone six months instead of the normal three, but still...). My mom had to hand-make clothes for me to wear. I look back on that now and think, no 18 year old should have to wear jumpers...but that is what I could wear. So, wear it I did. I was extremely immobile throughout grade school and high school. I did act as the manager for the girls' volleyball team one year, and I practiced with them, but I never made the team. I was too short, too heavy, couldn't jump high enough. I don't know. I'm sure the rejection and pain I felt in high school led to some serious emotional eating. Once I could drive, and I had a job, it only got worse. I live on the corner of a busy street that has Chinese, Mexican, Tropical Smoothie, McDonald's, Hardee's, Wendy's and a smattering of other food joints right on the corner. So, what stopped me from eating all that? Absolutely nothing. And eat, I did. Whenever I was upset, I ate. When I was happy, I ate. When I was just blah, I ate. I ate from boredom. I did it to have something to do. Before I knew it, I was obese. Then, I had to buy an extra seat when I flew to Kentucky to visit some friends (that, my friends, is a whole other post...and a hilarious one at that). Since then, I've never flown. I had to buy the car I have now (I was looking for a different model) because the seat slid back further than any other models I tried. I had to buy the seatbelt extender. The biggest one. I was a walking time bomb. It did not really seem to matter that I was so unhappy deep down inside. Why? Because food eased all pain. Temporarily. It only scratched the surface and made me feel like I had control. But, I didn't. I don't. I'm learning to have more control, but it is still a struggle -- daily. The only difference is that now I want control. I am taking control.